Ever wonder what makes some relationships thrive while others falter? Clinical Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have dedicated their lives to answering this very question. Through groundbreaking research and observation, they’ve developed the Gottman Method, a renowned approach to couples therapy that helps partners build stronger, more fulfilling connections. To experience love and be loved is Rule 5 of the Personal Kaizen 10 Rules for Life, and this post shares the Gottman’s research on building lasting love and their nine keys to a healthy relationship.
Who are the Gottmans?
John Gottman, a clinical psychologist, and Julie Gottman, President of The Gottman Institute, are a husband-and-wife team who have revolutionized our understanding of relationships. Their research, often from their “Love Lab” where couples are observed in naturalistic settings, has provided invaluable insights into the dynamics of successful partnerships. They’ve identified patterns of interaction that predict divorce with remarkable accuracy, as well as behaviors that foster deep, enduring love. This TED Talk video is a great way to learn more about the Gottmans and their work.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
John and/or Julie Gottman have written over 50 books over the past thirty years. The most popular, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, focuses on understanding and strengthening marriages.
The seven principles for making marriage work are contained within the two walls of the Sound Relationship House (shown below). These seven principles and two walls add up to nine keys to a healthy relationship and teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Learn and practice the nine keys below to work better with your partner.
The Nine Keys to a Healthy Relationship
The Gottman Method builds a strong foundation for friendship, intimacy, and shared meaning. Central to their work are the nine keys to a healthy relationship, often visualized as “The Sound Relationship House.” Here is a little about each key:
1. Build Love Maps
This foundational key is about truly knowing your partner. What are their hopes, dreams, fears, and interests? Regularly updating your “love maps” means staying curious and engaged with who your partner is becoming.
2. Share Fondness and Admiration
This involves actively expressing appreciation and respect for your partner. When you genuinely admire qualities in your partner and communicate that admiration, you create a positive emotional bank account that can buffer against inevitable conflicts.
3. Turn Towards Instead of Away
In everyday interactions, partners make bids for connection – a glance, a comment, a shared laugh. “Turning towards” means responding to these bids with attention and interest, rather than ignoring or dismissing your partner. You want to build micro-moments of connection throughout the day.
4. The Positive Perspective
When the first three keys are strong, couples tend to view each other and their relationship with a positive lens. This means giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, even during disagreements, and attributing positive intentions to their actions.
5. Manage Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. The Gottmans emphasize that it’s not the absence of conflict, but how you manage it, that matters. They promote using humor, de-escalation techniques, accepting influence from your partner, and finding compromises.
6. Make Life Dreams Come True
This key encourages partners to support one another’s aspirations and goals. By creating an atmosphere where each person feels encouraged to pursue their dreams, the relationship becomes a source of empowerment and growth.
7. Create Shared Meaning
Build a rich life together by creating shared rituals, values, and goals. This includes family traditions and shared life philosophies that contribute to a deeper sense of purpose and connection.
The Walls of the Sound Relationship House
Copyright © 2000-2011 by Dr. John Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
8. Trust
The 7 principles for making marriage work are contained within the two walls of the Sound Relationship House. One wall is trust. This means believing that your partner has your best interests at heart and will act in ways that are reliable and emotionally safe. Trust is built through consistent actions that demonstrate dependability and integrity.
9. Commitment
The other wall, commitment, is the conscious decision to stick with your partner through thick and thin, to prioritize the relationship, and to work through challenges together. It’s the dedication to building a future as a team.
Summary
By understanding and actively nurturing these nine keys to a healthy relationship, couples can lay a strong foundation for lasting love, resilience, and profound connection. The Gottman Method provides a clear roadmap for not just surviving, but truly thriving, in your partnership.
Do you and your partner struggle with any of these nine keys to a healthy relationship? Don’t worry; we all do! Share your tips in the comments below.
